I'm not the type of woman who has regrets. I have learned to live my life with a clear understanding that God has directed every inch of my journey and it has looked the way He wanted (wants) it to look. I've learned to reconcile feelings of disappointment in exchange for wisdom because I know that everything is a building block for the experiences before them. But I had a moment recently that I wish wasn't a part of my journey. A moment so quick that it grieved me more than anything else in my life. A moment I'm still trying to forgive myself for the way that I acted and what it may have shown my children about who I am as a woman.

Because I want to appear perfect in their eyes...

I want them to see me as controlled, wise, loving and balanced. But the truth is, I have moments where I feel out of control, confused, anxious and overwhelmed. In this life I've taught myself how to dress it up in the light and weep and pour it out in the dark. But on this particular day, it was all hanging out. 

I've had time to process that I spent more time trying to "tuck it in a girdle" than I have laying it at His feet and in that split moment, the enemy saw my junk hanging out and he made his move.

I'm talking to my mothers but this is an US issue. Life hits US, as women, and we dress it up and make it look cute. Relationships fall a part and we dress it up and make it look cute. Jobs become the places where we dress it up and make it cute. But then we begin to run out of "clothes." The tucked shirts begin to hang out. The accessories no longer a match. The hair becomes messy but we call it the trend. We run on empty forgetting that cars on empty eventually stop moving...

“I’ve learned to reconcile feelings of disappointment in exchange for wisdom because I know that everything is a building block for the experiences before them.”

Despite the worst day of my life, where I cried for the rest of the evening including on my son's shoulder as I apologized for my behavior, I wanted to share how to avoid ending up on the ugly side of motherhood:

Start your day in prayer:

Listen ladies, I know you are like girl, I already do this or I already know this, but the fall off can sneak up on you. I have an alarm that goes off every day at 5:15am. It says "Quiet time: To the closet." (I want to indicate that I have an alarm for everything so let's not judge my alarm to spend time with God, m-kay?) And a few months ago when I created the alarm I was jumping up and ready to sit before Him. But then *insert excuses because I don't want to waste your time with the list*. So every day it would go off, I would push STOP instead of SNOOZE. I wasn't just saying, give me a moment God, I was saying leave me alone, I'm not even going to try. If you frequently start your day in prayer or meditation you KNOW that the chaos you were praying against each day now has open cracks to wreck your world. It is WHY I named an entire chapter WATCHMEN in WOVEN because if we aren't on guard in relationship with God in the spirit realm, the enemy takes note and prepares his attack.

Get organized:

One of the biggest reasons we unravel and act out of character is because we don't have order OR we have taken on too much. We see that she is doing x,y,z in addition to being a mom but we don't consider what's happening in the background of her life that allows her to do what she does. [Comparison robs us of joy but that's not why we're here.] I realized that I missed two spelling tests. Meaning two weeks had gone by where I had not helped my son practice his spelling words because I had completely forgotten. Then the math scores started rolling in and I couldn't remember the last time I helped him with his subtraction. And then I forgot about school events. I realized that I had no order, no plan, no visual of what was happening in the schedule of my kids, myself or my husband (outside of my phone) and that clearly wasn't working. So I bought a planner and it's been the reminder not to abandon the system you know works.

Be gracious (to yourself and others):

There is no other area of my life that I am the most critical than as a mother. I am extremely hard on myself; I replay every word, every action, every move I make with my boys because I'm their example of a woman. I worry about what they think about me as a person. How their little brains have formed an idea about me and those connections in comparison to other women they come in contact with at school or in the neighborhood. Am I kind enough? Am I loving enough? Am I too hard on them because I can be very tough? How am I being a representative of Christ in the world around them? Am I strong enough? Will they look back on this era of their lives and desire a different mother? 

And then once those tapes have replayed again and again I realize, I haven't looked them in their eyes long enough to recognize how much they admire every piece of me. When I stop running myself into the dirt in my mind, put down my phone, lift up my head and look at them, I see their beautifully long eyelashes, perfectly placed freckles, precious dimples, gorgeous brown faces with their beautiful brown eyes glaring intently at me.

Full of wonder. Full of joy. Full of forgiveness. Full of love.

And then I'm reminded to look at myself in the same way and give her grace.

“Grace to you and peace [inner calm and spiritual well-being] from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ
(Philemon 1:3, AMP)”