On Motherhood: The Postpartum Mourning of Your Womanhood

A few weeks ago I watched On That Note with Kandi Burruss and the singer Nivea and when Nivea began to talk about losing her marriage after postpartum I cried a deep belly cry because I could empathize with her in that moment.

My heart behind doing postpartum doula work is because I understand how quickly we can lose ourselves in motherhood and forget about our partners. I understand how partners feel like they've lost their person and begin to feel out of place or unwanted.

Baby classes don't prepare you for that.

I had 3 pregnancies but 2 babies on this side of heaven. Add grief in the mix (a grief that never goes away) with the usual navigation of motherhood and your relationship becomes a shell of what it used to be because you don't know how to be all of those things for everyone.

You honestly don't know how to be you.

Nivea having 3 kids, 11 months a part and her marriage taking a hit and then feeling betrayed by her ex husband’s lack of ‘know how to’ empathize and be patient with her in that season is real. So many experience that after children. It's the hard and unspoken part of becoming parents.

Imagine losing yourself in the process of becoming a mother while also losing the person you adored — The person you knew before the baby. How do you navigate that? She said she is just NOW, 16 yrs later, feeling like she's in a place of having found herself. Meanwhile he moved on. I understand we don’t know the full story but her truth is that she felt abandoned in a time when she was struggling to put into words or comprehend this new role and identity.

We so often consider postpartum depression as this can't get out of bed, unable to move type of experience but it's also this mourning of your womanhood. It's also the guilt of feeling like you traded you for them. It's also the years of not knowing what you like or who you are. Many people get so offended when women share this part of postpartum depression because they feel like they are complaining. This is why so many women suffer in silence because they’ve been conditioned to believe that, if it’s not the extreme end of the spectrum, then you must be too selfish for this role. I’ve seen other women rip other women to pieces saying things like, the baby didn’t ask to be here or you should’ve thought about that before you got pregnant and that type of feedback is counterproductive. There’s an important but separate conversation that we need to have about centering mothers and honoring their importance especially during the postpartum period. We forget that we should check in on the mother because everyone will check in on the baby.

Another post for another time.

I have a 10 yr old and in one of my (recent) sessions, my therapist asked me who would I say I am outside of being a mother/wife/sister etc and I honestly had a hard time answering. Ten years later and I’m still trying to unpack and find my way through this motherhood calling as it crosses my identity as a woman with dreams and passions.

It changes you and everyone isn’t prepared for this particular level of change especially if they’ve had a solid perspective of their womanhood before becoming a mother. And while it's a beautiful experience that (some) people idolize, becoming a mother, it requires a level of support that many don't have. Or feel that they need because we are told we are born to handle it all.

I pray continued peace over Nivea.

I pray a strong and wise support system.

I pray an overflowing of love over who she is becoming that she affirms over herself daily.

I pray she never stops searching for the woman she desires to become because the journey to growth is everlasting.

And I also pray that one helluva therapist enters her life and empowers her as she unpacks, lays aside the weight, and truly finds healing.

Because we deserve to see the beauty in the journey and love ourselves with deep abandon.