37 Summers: Another pandemic birthday reflection

I’ve spent the last year battling between numbness and noticing. Different levels of anxiety have heightened the parts of me that desire to look beyond.

Beyond this platform.

Beyond these flat connections we’re afraid to make blossom and actualize.

Beyond the constructs that block our spirits from seeing hearts beating because we feel pain.

We can’t see the trees and fields and the moon yearning for our eyes and spirit to notice it because we don’t know how to tune into God on a weightless level.

What could you notice if you truly quieted your mind?

How could you become fascinated and inspired to create or rest if you closed yours eyes to feel?

It’s been easy to check out during a pandemic. The world is literally in crisis, with each day getting worse with something, and many days it was easier to believe that there are people in leadership (the church and government) who are actively working to make changes.

But each day it’s harder to believe in that ideology because people are flawed. We’re just passing through this place loves. I started therapy in September because I was having a hard time breathing. I initially thought it was my asthma but discovered it was panic attacks.

God has a way of reminding us to notice.

Notice your breath,

notice who notices you (and don’t take it for granted),

notice the warm sun,

notice small blessings,

notice the spontaneous wind on southern summer days,

notice the movement of the trees,

notice creation…

I’ve had to unpack and unlearn and notice because my body depends on me to do so. Mindfulness requires an intentional quieting and a deliberate noticing.

If you meet me for half a second you will learn that The Color Purple is my favorite movie. Since childhood I have always carried the phrase, “I think it pisses God off to walk by the color purple, in a field, and don’t notice it” within my heart. I wanted that insight—that freedom like Shug to not just understand my womanhood, the steps and the journey, but also the expansive beauty of God beyond what we’re told to experience. I released a book on my 33rd birthday entitled WOVEN: Womanhood and Unveiling God’s Beauty. His beauty, in every connection, moment, world around us, is the single thread in my life that keeps me grounded on the strength in our stories and God the creator and orchestrator in the little things. For the last few months I’ve been listening to that small voice to LOOK at THAT and really lean into the direction. Not just look but tell others what you notice. Each time I’ve heard within my spirit, the color is purple. This spiritual prompt has truly allowed me to see some beautiful moments and it is my declaration for this next trip. Not to mention the meaning of the color purple.

(Pictures that have inspired me. Pictures 3, 4, 5 are not mine).

Postpartum Doula Reading

I have a poetry book I can’t wait to release and families to support and those passions require a depth of discernment (and openness) in order to go forward, in a way only He can lead and design. That means when I have week full of dreams about giving a baby back, and the waves of grief from my miscarriage come closer to the shore than I would prefer, I allow myself to notice it, listen and allow it to guide me. There’s work to be done within and a mission to chart.

I am thankful that everything that wants to be loved waves at me, catches my attention and admiration, makes my heart smile and reminds me that

I am love and

loved.

A daughter and I’m thankful for another opportunity to say,

Thank you.

37 Summers.

Selah.