Went back to read an interview with Toni Morrison where she’s reflecting on life and the passing of her son and she says, “I want to feel what I feel. What's mine. Even if it's not happiness, whatever that means. Because you're all you've got."

In this time it’s so easy to want to hold it together for your family or your kids. I am an emotional person. The moon shifts, the rain falls, I watch a sad movie or read a story I find empathy in and the tears flow. I am also an empath so I feel the energy around me and through the voices of others and I give myself the space to process. But that’s been harder than usual. I’m an introvert with everyone at home and the energy is ever changing due to the circumstances. Trying to process for myself and process for the boys who don’t have the language to explain the way we can as adults is adding to my own idea that I need to hold it together. Wear the mask in my own home because it’s safe and doesn’t require an explanation.

Are you crying and emotional in silence because you’re afraid to put your finger on the thing that’s wearing you down? Afraid that if you put pressure to the thing that, like an explosion, the walls will break into tiny pieces of stone and the water from the dam will come rushing out without any control, finding you ashamed or embarrassed or inadequate. I have been. Afraid that if I feel what I feel, at the moments that I feel them, it will be loud and uncontrollable and we are trying our best to control anything that we can in this season where everything feels out of control. But Toni is right. (Mother Toni is ALWAYS right).

She shares that she never took drugs because she did not want to feel anything that did not originate with her. And it can be easy for us to medicate in whatever way in this moment, with alcohol or medicine or disassociation but the fact remains that we will come back around to that same mound of emotions, staring us down, waiting to be dealt with.

Waiting to be felt.

Waiting to be released as we bypass shame to get to what’s ours.

Our womanhood. Our truth.

What are you ashamed about? Feeling?

What are you embarrassed about? Expressing?

Why do you think you’re inadequate? Because you allowed yourself the freedom to ride the wave of your emotions.

Human.

These last few weeks have reminded me to feel what I feel. To give myself grace to ride the wave when it rushes in and to not feel the need to apologize to anyone for it. Stop apologizing for it. Even to yourself.

Give yourself the space in this time of isolation to be okay with not being okay.

Sometimes... 💕✨

I finally washed my hair.